I have to admit that being locked inside for most of 2020 did not bother me at all. I mean, I recall one day or another that I’d be a little more annoyed about this situation (plus, the biological crisis, economical panic, and all of those side effects), but overall, I feel fine.
As we are getting closer to the holidays, I see people losing their minds over Christmas and how much of a tragedy it is not to meet your relatives. After nearly 10 months of being locked home due to a major crisis, they still don’t get it. No shades here, I do miss family and friends
(like, 90% of them), but I can’t help but feel a little outraged with this overreaction. Needless to say that people are dying and this is an effort we all should do so we can have better chances to stop this madness, once we are perfectly aware that the vaccine isn’t going to pierce our skins magically at 00:00 of January 1st. To be honest, I don’t know why are people so reactive to staying home for a little longer.
This reflection brought me to question if the way I am dealing with this comes with maturity, or if it’s just a product of my current moment in life. Besides, I don’t know how much of an influence living abroad for so long had to do with all of this, because it gets lonely and it’s hard to understand the solitude aspect of it by yourself. Actually, I’m trying to figure this out while writing about it because this is my process (then I’ll read it out loud and analyze if I sound too stupid, but I’ll publish it anyway). When I look back at my younger years, I can feel some empathy towards the kids that are going crazy without socializing. But when I look at my present moment, the happy 30+ woman that wears legging pants and no makeup all day while working under the covers looking like a human burrito, being locked home feels so right. You can judge me all you want, but I find it confusing and appealing at the same time. It feels like me, but it also doesn’t. Does that mean that I have changed my ways, but I was so overwhelmed with exterior matters that I am noticing it only now?
If you met me before 2018, you would definitely say that I was an extrovert. I have no idea where all of that energy came from, but I was always on track. I was the first one to get to a party and the last one to leave. I was the one friend that would make plans for having some fun every day. I met people in queues at the bank and we are friends. I even managed to fly back home from a very strict spiritual retreat in another state and go directly from the airport to a bar to meet some friends and see a rock’n roll concert. Good old days. Funny moments (especially when I walked into a bar dressed in all white with my carry-on and a neck pillow). Fast forward to 2020: a lazy potato who likes to have some fun sometimes, but also need some space and silence. I have my crazy moments, but I learned how to appreciate the boredom of the over 30’s adulthood. Apart from the bills, it’s awesome.
This transition got me curious, so I went ahead to read about it and I found this very entertaining quiz based on your behavior to determine whether you are an introvert, an extrovert, or an ambivert. As I was reading about the ambivert’s personality traits, I was feeling like I could fit in perfectly (it’s all about fitting in, right?), but to my surprise, the quiz says I am still an extrovert. That means that I’m a “people’s person”. At first, I was a little confused, because being alone is something that is really doing me good lately. A few months ago I even vanished from social media and let all my friends and family know that I was fine, but needed some silence. For most of them, it was okay because they know me long enough to recognize that this is my process of healing when things go too crazy inside my head. Some other people had a little more struggle to understand it had nothing to do with nobody but myself. We can’t please them all.
What I take from all of this is another over-positive message regarding our modus operandi. We are human, we are fluid beings. We are the most adaptable animals to ever walk on earth but we managed to fail miserably to the most important voice we should pay attention to: ourselves. So I am feeling a little more introverted lately, I would rather be by myself than to go loud and crazy with people (pandemic aside). There’s no problem with that – I am taking care of myself, my mental health, and my projects (like this blog <3). When I feel like I want to be out and about, I will.
Respecting ourselves has become a luxury that many people don’t want to afford. People seem to be much more preoccupied with how their engagement in social media would drop if they don’t spread out positivity. Or if they don’t go to that third party on the same day, they will miss something out (there’s even a name for that, FOMO – Fear of Missing Out. Can anyone else see how absurd this is?!). Dude… Chill. It’s ok to be by yourself and listen to your own silence sometimes. It’s actually healthy. If the silence makes you go nuts, consider seeking professional help because this is a sign that you might be running away from your problems. There’s no need to freak out here, it can also mean that you like company and that’s all. Everyone is different.
I like being alone. I like to listen to my thoughts and laugh about them. I like to let some tears drop and let my sudden sadness mature me. I like spending time with myself because, after all, I am all I have. I have many beloved people next to me, but that’s it: they are next to me, not behind me. They can count on me and I can count on them, but in order to accept the help, you gotta help yourself first.