written on January 12, 2017; reissued in December 2020, with a wonderful sense of self-knowledge and self-love.
I found myself attached to religion that week, and at that time it had been a long time since I had shaken my spiritual bias. I took advantage of the opportunity and also dusted off my esotericism. There is always a reason for that, I don’t believe in chance.
I was having one anxiety attack after another because of a situation that it was not up to me to resolve completely, and, as it was, there was nothing I could do at that moment. To those who believe in astrology, like I do, being born an Aries is terrible at these times, because our immediate impulse does not let us settle until what must be said or done is resolved with a simple action (which does not always consist of blowing up people and things, although this is not a rare event in the Aries mindset). But don’t worry, I will not use astrology to justify all my problems and mishaps.
I consulted the bible in the morning. I received the guidance that I was again welcomed by the divinity, with open arms, forgiven for my transgression. In a later consultation, this time, asking for guidance as to the indirect source of my problems, I heard that hell is hot, but if you ask for forgiveness, everything will pass. Happy that I am not worthy of this destiny, I prayed that this indirect source would find the light and redemption, not only for spiritual reasons, but also because happy people don’t bother me, and I had already lost my patience. I know I wasn’t an angel, and nobody, in fact, is a saint. But I know I always meant good. My commitment to the truth won’t let me lie and my empathy is about to overflow its own limits as if it were a container that has been filled in droppers over time.
I spent several weeks reflecting (that is, writing without any filter) on how I was feeling affected by all of this. And I came to unfriendly conclusions about the future. Obviously, for me, although tough, it was a well-scored decision and at the same time, much easier. But I like challenges and I decided to let the water flow for a while. Anxious people know how difficult it is to deal with a problem that affects you enormously and not have the power to solve it. It seems that everything hangs. You live in a constant slow motion, in which the days do not pass and your anguish increases.
Take a deep breath, count to ten, talk to friends, decide to change careers, take five showers, want to bathe the cat, regret wanting to bathe the cat, try to read something (anything) … There was no use. I still felt my heart pounding in my chest, the emptiness took my throat in a distressing knot, and there I was, in an outbreak of my own body, out of my own skin, but in such serenity on my face that I felt I was the landscape to the eyes of others. “I’m glad you’re okay!”, I heard constantly at that time. Those who just watched me at that time did not measure their innocence at its conclusion.
It was almost midnight and the anxiety lingers. I prayed once more. I asked God to guide me in choosing a tarot card, which I also like, so I could choose the card that would give me insight and guidance, the card that would open doors for me to throw, or not, tables around. “God“, I closed my eyes, “give me patience for this difficult phase without taking another Diazepam, because it is difficult not to freak out and make people understand that this is not how things work, amen“. And God, probably quite irritated because I romanticized the use of heavy medication, gave me the right card (wrong for the Aries star sign girl, but right for her social relationship): a moment of waiting.
In short, esotericism told me to hold on, it was not the time for outbreaks. Three years later, I can say that it was right and that is what I did. But at that time, I was completely lost. What to do? How to deal with it? Honestly, I didn’t know. I had no idea how to hold my impulses with someone who is not impulsive with me. But, everything in this life is learning, and patience is a virtue that is achieved in a long process. And that also passed. I followed the divine guidance and followed quietly, until further notice. It was not about submission, but about caution with what matters to us … Even if it irritates us.
And everything was fine. Today I look at it with immense gratitude. Living all of this made me stronger, made me look at myself with much more affection and the certainty that whoever gives away the power to be dangerously vulnerable, isn’t anybody but ourselves. It’s okay to be vulnerable, it’s okay to suffer … It’s all part of your maturation and evolution. What is not okay is to erase yourself, because when you do this, you will lose control of yourself.